so it's been snowing pretty hard basically all day so we haven't been able to do much. i'm finishing up my first week back inpatient. last night, i went for a run during the ice storm, and one of the girls from transitional living saw me, but no one else noticed so the staff doesn't know yet. and i purged after lunch today, but again, no one noticed, and im not going to say anything because i really don't want to talk about it. i guess i just am really conflicted about this whole recovery thing. part of me really wants it and wants to move on with my life. the other part of me is scared to death and just wants to keep my world narrow and confined to food and weight and calories and not having to think about other shit. i want to form relationships, but i know i'm pushing people away with my eating disorder. it's just so hard, and i don't know what i can do other than keep going, which doesn't feel like a choice, it just feels like i have to do it to make other people happy. but i don't want to live my life just to make other people happy anymore, i want to be happy. and i'm not sure that recovery is going to bring that for me. i know it isn't about my body, but i just feel so dissatisfied with my body and i really hate it.