So I'm almost definitely going back into programming on Monday. I need to get lab work done between now and then, but I don't feel like it. I want to go for a run so badly it hurts. I want to go do something fun, like go to a club or something. It sucks being nineteen. And I can't even get a good job because I don't have a college degree because, duh, I'm nineteen. Hopefully, I'll only be inpatient for about two or two and a half weeks, but I'm going to have to live on the acute unit for a couple days, which sucks. I just can't believe how badly I've messed things up. Who would've thought six years ago, when this was all first starting and I was thirteen years old that I would still be dealing with the aftermath now, having to drop out of school and graduate late? I think there should be a warning label for consequences like this. It's like by the time I knew that things would get serious, it was already too late, and I couldn't help myself anymore. And I still struggle with the idea that I have an eating disorder or an exercise addiction. I think it's easy to rationalize running just because it's a part of my family, and I feel like I'm way too fat to have an eating disorder and that I'm totally just making a big deal out of a little bit of eating dysfunction. I don't even know anymore. I know this isn't getting me anywhere, but it's so hard to want to give it up. I'm just so tired of this fight, but I know I need to keep hanging on or the little bit of my life that hasn't already fallen apart will fall apart, too.